this is our best life?

We have all been betrayed by these governments, corporations, and individual entities. Their unrelenting violence has many of us preferring be numb over feeling all of this intense suffering. We are collectively grieving. Whether you are aware of this, or you are ignoring it, we are all experiencing it.

During a conversation about loss and grieving, artist, activist, and mental health professional, Isabel Ribe, shared a phrase that really stuck with me. She emphasized the importance of discerning between our own personal traumas and those we empathically pick up from our communities. She used the phrase "ambient grief" to describe our world's collective suffering. Ambient grief doesn't belong to us but surrounds us—inescapable, often unbearable, and exhausting.

Grief used to be a shameful, isolating experience. Now I know that grief is a visitor to my psyche. She comes baring the wisdom of rest and healing. I came to understand much of this from my dear friend, Lennie Hsiao, another passionate mental health-care practitioner. Her workshop series, "Are We There Yet?" was a space where I could express my grief.

In the workshop, I grieved the loss of loved ones, the end of relationships, the pain of violence, the suffering of my lineage, the struggle of my community, and the cries of the world. With no real option of stopping or changing any of it, I felt all of the things I had never allowed myself to mourn. In those moments I finally understood why it is so easy to ignore grief. It hurts! It's no wonder why so many of us choose to numb these feelings. Allowing myself to experience this suffering and grief did however give me unexplainable strength. I felt I could look my grief in the eyes, accept it for what it is, and receive the lessons it offered me.

After these lessons, I became much more aware of myself and of the unspoken layers of grief this world experiences. Also, I felt empowered. I felt confident in my ability to fight for a better world, and to uncover the solutions we search for. I wish I could say everything about this experience was positive, but I was absolutely drained. My heart was tender, my eyes were puffy, and all I wanted to do was rest. I had just fought every cell in my body that was demanding I avoid all of those painful feelings. As strong as I felt, I knew, like after any battle, my body needed rest.

Finding space for rest was my next challenge. I knew I deserved to slow down, but I fought my bodies urges and eventually hit a wall of exhaustion. I tried to blame seasonal depression. I know this isn't the case for everyone, but for many of us, in the cold winter months, there arises a deep desire to hibernate like the mammals we are. As the sun sets earlier and earlier we retreat from the darkness, into our homes, and feel like doing nothing but resting. Instead giving myself grace, I labeled my need to do nothing as mental illness and resisted it. What I now know is that I should have leaned heavily into radical rest.

I'm currently listening to the book "Rest is Resistance" by Tricia Hersey. Her manifesto has made me reflect on my own relationship to rest. Her words have illuminated my deeply ingrained belief that rest is a privilege I must work myself to exhaustion to deserve. She reminds us of the true history of the United States of America and compares our relationship to work today to what it was like then. To be worked to exhaustion is an understatement. Beautiful human lives were worked and tortured to death all in the name of profit, control, and white supremacy. Today, we witness the death and destruction these systems bring every day and so not much has changed.

On one hand, we can collectively acknowledge that survival is a struggle. Many of us feel like our lives and security are under constant threat. However, on the other hand, when we are sad, angry, tired, hungry, or depressed, we blame ourselves. We believe that trends of self-care and numbing medications are our solutions. We take on the personal responsibility of our struggle and do anything we can to appear as if we aren't in a chokehold. Many wonder why they always feel anxious, and I truly think it is because we are living in insanity and calling it our best life. What part of the "best life" requires we work ourselves to death in order to survive?

I had to accept that this seasonal depression of mine, was really just my body's natural demand for rest. I was programmed to believe that if I chose rest over the struggle of survival, I was lazy, considered crazy, and would be ostracized and abandoned by society. I see now that the more we perceive our intuitive need to slow down as an illness, the more we unintentionally sustain the longevity of these capitalist systems. Our intuitive urges to slow down are not inherently unhealthy, but survival in this world does demand that we ignore our frustration and exhaustion, keep calm, and carry on. cringe

And so, my quest for the solutions to this crazy world continues. I don't have all the answers, but what I do have are some remedies that help me to alleviate the shitty symptoms of capitalism. I hope something on this list can inspire you to prioritize your physical, mental, and spiritual well being. Being human on this planet ain't easy, but we do have so much to be grateful for. Here's my list of things I will never take for granted:

- sleeping when I am tired.. I am admittedly really bad at this

- reading revolutionary texts to help me to sharpen my wits

- avoiding processed poison (food).. that shit is killing us, no joke

- moving my body so that I don't die from sitting

- feeling all of my emotion

- grieving, crying, screaming, and rotting

- creating music, art, food, ideas, messes, problems, scenarios.. you name it

- drinking clean, mineral water

- understanding trauma

- learning from healthcare professionals

- showing care to friends and community

- spending time in the sun

- breathing deeply

- enjoying art, nature, and beauty

- writing and reflecting on my thoughts

- etc, etc, etc - feel free to add to this list in the comments <3