unconditional love takes practice

When I was growing up, in my mind, ambivalence was equitable to "cool". There was one half of my being that didn't care about anything. (Yes, angst.) The other half of me cared so much it brought me to tears on the regular. (Yes, Pisces.) I thought I needed to be strong, firm, cold, and untouchable to "make it" in this world. To show people the sensitivity and love of my heart, I knew, would be seen as a weakness.

I have since forgiven my angsty Pisces inner child for putting up so many walls because I know that she just needed to protect herself. The world is not kind, and we need as much protection as we can get. Now that I am into my early adulthood, I have new tools to arm myself with, and I'm learning to share my big nurturing heart with the world.

In the process of learning though, I have hurt family, friends, lovers, and myself. It isn't easy to rip those walls down, and bad communication habits run deeeeeeeeep. So, patience has been my best friend through this process. Patience reminds me that one brick at a time I am undoing what I have spent the last 25 years of my life building.

At times I feel like an infant, furiously tearful that I wasn't born with the ability to simply love unconditionally. Some of us were lucky enough to be taught how to love at a young age, and some were not so lucky. Often, embarrassment flushes my cheeks and my heart aches to remember the times I have been so insensitive to my loved ones. To think of all the boundaries I could have set still makes me wince. The decision to share my heart with the world has been painful and wildly uncomfortable, but the comfort that comes from the words, "I'm learning," has kept me humble and ready to take steps into the terrifying unknown.